My Last Bottle of Breastmilk

This is the last bottle of breastmilk I will likely ever produce. I recently decided to stop expressing milk for Esme and Iris. This was a terribly hard decision to make, but in the end, I have made peace with it.

I tried so hard to get Esme and Iris nursing after they were born. At first, I thought we were going to get it. But, six weeks prematurity and a nasty case of reflux proved to be too much for us. So, I resigned myself to expressing milk and providing it to them by bottle. For the last few months, several times a day, I have strapped myself to a breast pump and expressed milk. For those of you who have never had such a pleasure, I will spare you the details, but frankly, expressing milk is NOT AT ALL fun. Nor for me is it all that easy. But, after 3 1/2 months, I have decided to stop.

For far too long I have focused on what I can't do or what I have not done. I realize this is crazy. It has taken me a while, but I no longer see this as quitting, rather, I focus on what I have been able to do. For 8 weeks I nursed two premature babies, helping them grow and strengthen. For 3 1/2 months I provided my twins with my breastmilk. And for more than 6 weeks, my babies were fed exclusively on my milk. I am so proud of these accomplishments.

But, there is a part of me that is still very sad. This is it. I will likely never nurse another baby. I will likely never provide another baby with my milk because I will likely never have another baby. I don't think I want any more children. With my pregnancy experiences, I am pretty sure that I never want to be pregnant again. But it is just a small part of me that is sad, because, while I will never have this experience again, I have three beautiful, amazing children and I have a lifetime of new mommy experiences ahead of me.