Bringing home my first baby was unmatched by any other experience. I have heard that this is true for other moms as well. There are not words to accurately describe how and what I felt when I first held Eli. When he was placed into my arms, I knew at that moment, I really truly understood what unconditional love is. I didn't notice, until months after it was over, how much work having a newborn baby was. Despite the fact that he never slept, he cried a lot, he always needed a diaper change approximately two minutes after changing the last one, I was in love with every moment we spent together.
My feelings for Esme and Iris are not different. Upon meeting each of them I felt a deep and unweilding love. In fact, I am truly surprised at the infinite amount of love the human heart has to offer. But it is different this time. I have to admit, I am not so "in love" with every moment, even though I am so in love with my daughters. I am noticing this time that having a newborn is work and having two newborns is A LOT of work. I am willing to admit that I miss my sleep...oh how I miss my sleep! I don't find myself staring at my babies for hours on end just amazed that they are my babies. I am willing to accept any offer from any person to change a diaper, give a bath, change an outfit. And I accept every single offer for Jesse and I to get out and get some time to ourselves never sure when the next opportunity to do so will come along. This is something I never did the first time. I think it was months before we left Eli home alone with another caregiver.
But, all that said, today, I had my first full day home with my girls by myself. It was wonderful. Today, I did not worry about dishes needing to be done or picking up the toys in the livingroom. I didn't think of the thank you cards that still need to be sent. Today, I sat and enjoyed my daughters. I tried to recapture that feeling that I had when Eli first came home and, for a good part of the day, I felt it. We spent the day nursing and cuddling and just getting to know each other. Today, I spent time staring at my babies amazed that they are my babies.
It is easier this second time around to get lost in the craziness of life and forget to take the time to marvel in being a new mommy. Today, I reminded myself how important it is to take this time.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
A New Life
So, I have decided to join the ranks of on-line jounalers. My life has been so crazy over the last year, and the last few months especially, that it seemed like a good idea to write some of it down. I have tried keeping journals in the past and have never been very successful, but this time I think it will be different.
To catch you up on my life, just over 5 weeks ago, I gave birth to twin baby girls. While all children are a blessing, these girls are miracles. A normal full term pregnancy is 40 weeks. At just 20 weeks into this pregnancy I was placed on modified bed rest due to what is so artfully called an "incompetent" cervix. What a terrible diagnosis! If it was not enough that the pregnancy was at risk, it had to be at risk because some part of me was "incompetent." What this medical term translates to is essentially that my cervix began to shorten, thin, and dilate long before it was supposed to. As a result, early delivery was a constant concern.
I did 4 weeks of this modified bed rest at home. However, at 23 weeks and 6 days, after an ultrasound indicated that I had only 15 mm left of my cervix (normal is 3 or more cm) I was put on strict hospital bed rest. On the day I checked in, I had started dilating, a sign that labor was imminent. So there I lay in my hospital room in the Prenatal Care Unit at Maine Medical Center for 10 weeks until I finally could push my labor back no further and my twin baby girls were delivered at 34 weeks and 1 day.
Saving the pregnancy became my complete existence. My former life was completely on hold as I became a full time incubator. For weeks I remained mostly still. For weeks I was away from my home and my family. My husband, Jesse, and my then 2 year old son, Eli, came to visit me in my hospital room 4 or 5 times a week. I put my career on hold. I shifted my parenting duties to my husband. I missed my son's transition from a crib to a big boy bed. I missed Halloween. I was granted a furlough for Thanksgiving, my only trip outside the hospital during my entire stay. In fact, I missed an entire season. When I went into the hospital it was still fairly warm outside and when I came home there was snow on the ground. But my babies were saved. When I checked into Maine Med my pregnancy was barely viable. I now have two healthy happy baby girls. We beat the odds! This is nothing short of a miracle.
Now I am home but I have not returned to my previous life. A whole new life has begun. I am not at all sure what this life entails, except that I am pretty sure that I am not in the driver's seat anymore...in fact, as I am typing Iris has started to wake up..."come on mom, its time to feed me" I hear in her cries.
To catch you up on my life, just over 5 weeks ago, I gave birth to twin baby girls. While all children are a blessing, these girls are miracles. A normal full term pregnancy is 40 weeks. At just 20 weeks into this pregnancy I was placed on modified bed rest due to what is so artfully called an "incompetent" cervix. What a terrible diagnosis! If it was not enough that the pregnancy was at risk, it had to be at risk because some part of me was "incompetent." What this medical term translates to is essentially that my cervix began to shorten, thin, and dilate long before it was supposed to. As a result, early delivery was a constant concern.
I did 4 weeks of this modified bed rest at home. However, at 23 weeks and 6 days, after an ultrasound indicated that I had only 15 mm left of my cervix (normal is 3 or more cm) I was put on strict hospital bed rest. On the day I checked in, I had started dilating, a sign that labor was imminent. So there I lay in my hospital room in the Prenatal Care Unit at Maine Medical Center for 10 weeks until I finally could push my labor back no further and my twin baby girls were delivered at 34 weeks and 1 day.
Saving the pregnancy became my complete existence. My former life was completely on hold as I became a full time incubator. For weeks I remained mostly still. For weeks I was away from my home and my family. My husband, Jesse, and my then 2 year old son, Eli, came to visit me in my hospital room 4 or 5 times a week. I put my career on hold. I shifted my parenting duties to my husband. I missed my son's transition from a crib to a big boy bed. I missed Halloween. I was granted a furlough for Thanksgiving, my only trip outside the hospital during my entire stay. In fact, I missed an entire season. When I went into the hospital it was still fairly warm outside and when I came home there was snow on the ground. But my babies were saved. When I checked into Maine Med my pregnancy was barely viable. I now have two healthy happy baby girls. We beat the odds! This is nothing short of a miracle.
Now I am home but I have not returned to my previous life. A whole new life has begun. I am not at all sure what this life entails, except that I am pretty sure that I am not in the driver's seat anymore...in fact, as I am typing Iris has started to wake up..."come on mom, its time to feed me" I hear in her cries.
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